Akpos Joke: Our Problem

Akpos comes back from work. As he enters the sitting room, his wife asked:

Wife: Darling! Why are you looking so sad?

Akpos: Sweetheart, I have a problem at my office.

Wife: Don’t say you have a problem. You should say we have a problem because we are now married. Your problem is also my problem.

Akpos: OK, we have a problem in our office.

Wife: And what is the problem, darling?

Akpos: Our secretary is pregnant for us.

Wife: Whaaat!!! The wife fainted!

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COMPUTER MEMORY

Q: How does a computer tell you it needs more memory?

A: It says ''byte me'''

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LAPTOP

What's the difference between a blonde and Windows 95?

The blonde operates on more laptops!

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A JOKE OF GENIUS

Q: What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

A: Do these genes make my butt look fat.

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BILL GATES' HONEYMOON

After Bill Gates wedding night, his wife finally knew why he called his company Microsoft.

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ISLAND INNOVATION

A hurricane capsizes a cruise ship in the Caribbean. A stock broker washes ashore on a remote island. Outside of the beautiful scenery, a fresh water pool and bananas, there is little else.

One day, after several months have passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appears.

"Wow! I can't believe I found another person!" she exclaims. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"

"Yes, I was," he answers. "Where did you get that rowboat?"

"Oh," she says, "I found it washed up on the beach. Where is your shelter?"

"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the sand," he says.

She invites him to her side of the island. Once she's rowed them to her side, she ties up the boat with hand-woven rope. "It took forever to find enough washed up strands to braid that length of rope," she tells him.

She leads him to a cozy bungalow painted blue and green. "I scouted for felled trees and then stained the salvaged wood with these really juicy berries I found in the jungle," she tells him.

Once inside, she excuses herself to slip into something more comfortable. She returns wearing revealing silk lingerie, smiling provocatively.

"I found some washed up suitcases from the cruise ship a few weeks ago," she tells him. "But now that I've found you, I finally have a reason to wear something sexy again. Tell me, haven't you been lonely? Isn't there something that you really, really miss? Something you've been longing for, too?"

"Oh wow!" exclaims the man. "You mean you've found the Internet, too?!"

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BILL GATES IN HELL

Bill Gates goes to purgatory.

St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".

First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.

Bill chooses Hell.

About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.

Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"

St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."

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COMPUTER CHAT

What did one computer say to the other?

010101101010101010101

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ROMAN WARRIOR

Q: What do you call a roman warrior after oral sex?

A: Gladiator.

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WAR BOARDER

A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess, so he goes to his priest.

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."'

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind. I have one more question."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

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THE NEW RECRUIT

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.

"Let me show you," says the captain.

He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.

"This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."

The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.

"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"

"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."

"Why not Thursday?"

"That's your day in the barrel."

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A LESSON IN GOVERNMENT

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.

When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.

His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''

''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.

''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.

''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''

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THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

December 14, 1972

My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.

My love always, Agnes

---

December 15, 1972

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love, Agnes

---

December 16, 1972

Dear John:

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.

All my love, Agnes

---

December 17, 1972

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes

---

December 18, 1972

Dearest John:

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love, Agnes

---

December 19, 1972

Dear John:

When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially, Agnes

---

December 20, 1972

John:

What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.

Sincerely, Agnes

---

December 21, 1972

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.

Agnes

---

December 22, 1972

Hey Shithead:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours! Agnes

---

December 23, 1972

You rotten prick:

Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm calling the police on you! Agnes

---

December 24, 1972

Listen Fuckhead:

What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy, Agnes

---

December 25, 1972

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole

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Fashola Wants NGF Revived

Governor, Babatunde Fashola, of Lagos State on Wednesday tasked the 36 states governors to work towards reviving the Nigeria Governors’ Forum before leaving office in 2015.

The Nation reports that the governor made the call during a dialogue session organised by the Kukah Centre for Faith and Leadership Research.

He described as embarrassing that the Forum which they inherited from their predecessors was going into extinction in their era, noting that if allowed to happen, the next set of governors may not have a Governors’ Forum.

Fashola, who explained that government and elected officials must acknowledged that the problems of Nigeria revolve around the people of the country, said nothing was wrong with the country but the in the value system of the people.

“If we agree that the problems revolve around people, then the difference will lie in the method. The Presidential system we use is the American system. As a matter of national value, the Americans agree that anybody who earns income must pay tax” he said. “The essential quality for institutions to do well is people. When institutions do well, it is because good people have done the right thing and when they do badly, it is because bad people have been allowed to take charge.”

According to him, there is nothing mysterious about institutions since what drive institutions are good men and women. He said such people cannot be discovered until there is a convergence of ideas and values.  The governor urged his counterpart to be driven by a nationalistic value system because if the nation should fall, there would not be any party to save.

Fashola stressed that you can only have a united actions when there are shared values, adding that it is only when the values systems are different that you can sit down in a governor’s forum and have an election where some persons will say a smaller number is higher than the other number.

He revealed that though he was embarrassed with the development, especially as they were all in the same club where the incident occurred, he expressed optimism that before they leave office, the last thing they can do is to give back to those who will succeed them what they inherited from their predecessors.

It would be recalled that on June 6, 2014, the Nigerian governors, under the aegis of the Nigeria Governors Forum (NGF) held their fourth retreat in Port Harcourt, Rivers State.

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Soldiers Flee As Boko Haram Approaches Maiduguri

At this stage, is Doyin Okupe and all his Ogas still praying? Is it God that will “send down fire” to defeat those Boko Haram idiots or the Billions of Naira allocated for security should be used for the needful?

As the rampaging Boko Haram insurgents continue their attacks in Northern Nigeria, towards Maiduguri, it seems Nigerian soldiers are nearing the giving up stage, with soldiers deserting and thousands of innocent Nigerians in the areas fleeing the towns and villages.

At night, a resident said he was awake and heard gun shots from a distance. “Nobody can sleep anymore,” the resident of Maiduguri township, who wanted to remain anonymous, confirmed.

Gwoza, Bama, Gulak, Michika, Duhu, Shuwa, Kirshinga captured by insurgents

The terrorists have been capturing new cities on an almost daily basis. They arrive in hijacked army vehicles, fight off the Nigerian troops and terrorise the residents.

Terrorists are better equipped —Military

The morale of the government troops is very low and the terrorists are better equipped. Military officers said: “We cannot do anything against Boko Haram, because most of the Boko Haram are using modern automatic weapons and the military is using AK47s.”

Also, Senator Ahmed Zanna has cried out: “Boko Haram are committing all kinds of atrocities killing and raping. At the same time they are taking young girls in batches and the city is littered with dead bodies.”
Bama is 70 kilometers (43.5 miles) from Maiduguri and fell to the Islamists four days ago. Senator Zanna recounts how the soldiers who were supposed to defend Bama, refused to advance any further, noting, “They were ill equipped and they just stayed in Kondudga.”

Sect gunning for Maiduguri

Maiduguri would be a major win for Boko Haram in their hope of creating an Islamist-ruled state. “Even a brief capture of Borno’s capital, will be a significant symbolic victory for Boko Haram,” said Ryan Cummings, a South African security expert, who is also a member of the Nigerian Security Networks. Capturing Maiduguri would give Boko Haram a very strong boost, believes the Nigerian expert Nnamdi Obasi of the International Crisis Group, added. With Maiduguri, the Islamists would not only control a major city but also an international airport.

According to Vanguard, a reporter in Mubi, Adamawa State, said the town can also fall prey to Boko Haram.

“We all live in fear,” explained a resident. “Because soldiers come into our houses, take off their uniforms and put on civilian clothes. So if the military is already fleeing the fight, we don’t stand a chance.”

Over 10,000 flee the fighting

Thousands of people have fled the fighting. In Yola, the capital of Adamawa State, residents have taken in those who had to leave their homes. Ten people now live in one room and a woman who goes by the name of Aisha explained their fate: “There is nobody left in our town. Everyone has left, because the terrorists came into our town and they killed the people. We are desperate for help.”

In Maiduguri, residents are now also preparing to leave. “The people are scared. Many have already left the city,” said a woman who chose to remain anonymous. “We who remain here, hope that God will help us.”

The residents have armed themselves with sticks. They no longer believe that the army will defend them. Thousands of young men have now gathered in Maiduguri and are demanding that the government recognize them as local defence groups, so that they can officially support the soldiers.

“There are soldiers in the city, but they are not well-armed,” explained a resident who had trouble sleeping. Even the Senator Ahmed Zanna is unsure whether the army can defend Maiduguri: “If Bama with an army of 1,000 can fall within three to five hours, then there is every likelihood that these people will advance towards Maiduguri.”

Bama under government control —Official

In the meantime, official sources say that Bama is once again under government control and that Maiduguri is safe for now. Nevertheless, the residents remain skeptical.

So, Nigeria is now a state where people call on God for a physical war? Oh dear, what a sorry state!

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Dammy Krane Rests On Cynthia Morgan’s B00bs

We all know the Hypertek’s Act Dammy krane is always so play full and fun loving , here we have him and sensational female act Cynthia Morgan having fun, decided to bring a little drama for their fans to see on instagram,

i can only but imagine what led to having this kind of photo sure a lot of you will be doing the same.

He’s Enjoying his sleep with no doubt, see another one below..



 

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Beggar Arrested For Trying To Kidnap Child In Lagos

The beggar is said to have made an attempt to kidnap a toddler in Lagos Island

 



 

A beggar has been arrested and charged to court in Lagos for allegedly attempting to kidnap a little child.

31-year-old Gboyega Dauda was accused of trying to abduct Ismail Abdullahi, a toddler.

Dauda was charged today, September 9, 2014 before a Magistrates Court in the Tinubu area of the state.

The prosecutor, Koti Aondohemba, told the court that the suspect committed the offence on September 8 at about 4 p.m on Lagos Island.
He said:

“…As he crossed the road, some passers-by who noticed the strange movement of the accused quickly apprehended him before he could abscond with the boy.”

The accused pleaded not guilty to the crime.

 

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The President Knows More About Boko Haram Than He Is Willing To Reveal – APC

 

The National Leadership of the All Progressives Congress, APC, has accused President Goodluck Jonathan of exhibiting a shocking act of indiscretion by hobnobbing with an alleged Boko Haram sponsor, Ali Modu Sheriff, an alleged Boko Haram sponsor.

In a statement by its National Publicity Secretary, Alhaji Lai Mohammed, the party wondered what message President Jonathan was sending to his compatriots and indeed to the international community when he took Modu Sheriff along during his visit to Chad Monday to confer with President Idriss Deby on cooperation against terrorism.

“This action by President Jonathan confirms what the APC has always believed: That the President either knows more than he is willing to admit on the issue of those who are behind the Boko Haram insurgency or he is willing to sacrifice the battle against terrorism on the altar of political expediency.

Either way, this action by the President is the height of indiscretion at best, or a palpable exhibition of callowness at worst.

“It also confirms our fears that Modu Sheriff was planted as a mole in the APC by his friends in high places, who are jittery about the birth of the party and would do anything to destabilize it,’’ it said.

APC said the President could not pretend not to be aware of a report sent home by Nigeria’s Defence Adviser in Ndjamena, Chad, in 2011, detailing the suspicious activities of Modu Sheriff in Chad concerning alleged Boko Haram sponsorship and asking the Federal Government to investigate him.

“If this is a joke, it is one joke taken too far, especially at a time that Nigeria has been losing territories after territories to Boko Haram; at a time that the same Modu Sheriff has been fingered by another source other than the Nigerian Defence Adviser in Chad, and at a time that calls are being made for an independent investigation into the allegation that Modu Sheriff and former Army Chief Azubuike Ihejirika are Boko Haram sponsors.

“Or could it be the case of it takes a thief to catch a thief?’’ it queried.

 

 

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