Akpors the bad Samaritan

Akpors was in his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
AKPORS: Why are you eating grass?
POOR MAN: I don’t have any money for food.
AKPORS: Oh, please come to my house!
POOR MAN: But sir, I have a wife and four children…
AKPORS: Bring them along! They all climbed into the limousine. They begin to leave
POOR MAN: Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in.
AKPORS: No, problem. I like feeding the hungry. The grass at my house is over five feet tall, it will be enough for you and all of your family members!.”

Read More

Akpors the fake Americana

After two weeks in Dubai, Akpors came back to Naija with a fake American accent. He flew in late and while on his way home was stopped by men of the Nigeria Police Force.”Hey, where u dey go? one of the officers asked Akpors. Stupid Akpors instead of replying decided to try out his new fake way of talking replied: “Wat de f*ck do u mean, Yo talking tu me?” This got the officers angry and they dragged Akpors to the station and threw him in a cell.
There in the cell, Akpors kept on ranting and shouting, “Yo bunch of shits, I gat the damn right to make a phone call in this cell. Get me a f*cking phone!!” This went on until a BOSS (Oga) in the cell told one of his boys in his husky and thunderous voice, “Scorpion, abeg give this guy one phone call”. Scorpion headed straight to Akpors’ corner and landed him a THUNDEROUS SLAP” GBOOOOAAAAAAA”. The sound was nothing far from the sound of a Thunder strike, and then he asked Akpors “bros, e done dey ring, abi make I redial?”
Akpors’ accent quickly changed and he replied: “Bros abeg, e don connect”

Read More

Akpors the gold digger

Akpors was having a serious quarrel with his girlfriend one day, angrily he ordered “go pack all your clothes and…” he got interrupted by her ringing phone. She picked and put it on loud speaker because she was furious and pacing up and down; it was her elder brother in the UK saying he has paid £300,000 to her account and instructed her to withdraw £100,000 for her boyfriend. She thanked her brother and hung up, then she turned to her boyfriend Akpors and said ‘go ahead, you were saying I should pack my things?’
Akpors: Hehehe, my love, I was saying that I don’t like the fact we were quarreling, and that you should pack your things and give them to me so I’ll wash everything for you.

One word for Akpors?

Read More

Akpors and the policeman

A policeman finds little Akpors wandering the streets lost one day and tries to help him trace his home.

POLICE: Little boy, where do you live?

AKPORS: With my parents.

POLICE: Where do your parents live?

AKPORS: With me.

POLICE: (getting irritated) Where do you all live?

AKPORS: Together.

POLICE: Oh my goodness, so where is your house?

AKPORS: Next to my neighbour’s house.

POLICE: (angrily) Where is your neighbour’s house?

AKPORS: hehehehe…if I tell you, you won’t believe me.

POLICE: (feeling a bit relieved) I will, go ahead, tell me.

AKPORS: Next to my house!!!

Policeman gives up!

Read More

Akpors checks his result

Akpors no go kill person oh. He sent his JAMB registration number to his friend, Ochuke, to help him check his result at a cybercafe.
After some minutes Ochuke sent him the breakdown of his result in a text message as follows:
English – 12
Commerce – 39
Government – 41
Economics – 29
Aggregate – 121
Immediately he sent it Akpors called him back in a harsh tone;
Akpors: Ochuke! which kain nonsense JAMB dey do self? Dis no b my result nah. Why dem com put Aggregate for me give me 121 on top wetin I no write, see my English wey I suffer write na only 12 dem give me; wetin be dis na?
Ochuke: *speechless*
And that was the day Ochuke completely gave up on his friend Akpors!

Read More

Akpors and the teacher’s

Atheist Teacher: Do you believe in God?
Akpors: Of course sir.
Atheist Teacher: Well have you ever seen God?
Akpors: No
Atheist Teacher: Then there is no God.
Akpors: Hmnn, excuse me sir, but have you ever seen your brain?
Atheist Teacher: What?? Of course not.
Akpors: Then you have no Brain.

One word for Akpors this time around?

Read More

Akpors’ logic

After writing the most awful exam in his life, Akpors offered his Professor a deal to save his grades:

“If you can answer just one question, I will accept my final marks, if you can’t, you have to give me an ‘A’.”
The Professor agreed.
Akpors asked: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal and neither legal nor logical?”

The Professor thought about it for hours and pondered but found no answer. He finally had to give up as he really did not know and he gave Akpors an “A”.

The following day, professor asked same question to his students.
He was shocked when all of them raised their hands. He picked one of them.

The student answered: “Sir, you are 65, married to 28-year-old woman, this is legal, but not logical.
“Your wife is having an affair with a 23-year-old boy, this is logical but not legal.
“Your wife’s boyfriend has failed in his exam and yet you have given him an “A”, this is neither logical nor legal.”

The professor fainted!

Read More

Unfortunate Akpors

Akpors wanted to be rich and decided to seek help from a native doctor.

The native doctor told him that he will be the richest man on earth on the condition that he will be mad for one full year; a very difficult condition but the results will be amazing he explained. Akpors thought about it for a while and then agreed.

Akpors became mad and was roaming the street for eleven months and thirty days remaining just one day for his plight to be over, but unfortunately for him, a pastor from no where came and cast the spirit of madness out of him!

If you were Akpors, what would you do to this pastor?

Read More

Akpors the horrible houseboy

A lady was in need of a house boy, Papa Akpors had gotten fed up of Akpors’ wahala that he decided to offer up his son. The lady said to Papa Akpors: I need someone who will be obedient and not pry into my business or talk about whatever I do in my house, I also need him to be smart, does your son have these qualities? Papa Akpors: Oh yea, Akpors is a sharp boy, just test him.
Then the lady said to Akpors, “young man, how do i look?” Akpors looked at her well and replied: “you look like a prostitute”. The lady turned to his father and said “I can’t take such a rude boy”. The father pleaded with her to wait a little, he took Akpors to the back of the house and gave him 10 strokes of can, then he said to him: “insult that lady one more time and i will give you 10 more strokes of the cane.
He took Akpors back to the lady and said “please madam ask him another question.
Lady: If i come home with a man, who is he?
Akpors: Your husband.
Lady: 2 men?
Akpors: Your husband and his brother.
Lady: 3 men?
Akpors: Your husband, his brother and your brother.
Lady: 4 men?
Akpors: (turns to his father) Papa, abeg, bring your cane and give me 20 more strokes, I already told you, this woman is a PROSTITUTE oh!

Read More

Akpors 10k

Akpors chatting with his Girlfriend:

Girlfriend: Hi Akpors: How are u?

Girlfriend: I’m not alright.

Akpors: Ooh, you know i love you…what is the problem?

Girlfriend: Please, can you send me just 10k.

Akpors: For what?

Girlfriend: I want to use it to buy some clothes and bags.

Akpors: Hmmmm, that’s my girl. Take it…K,K,K,K,K,K,K,K,K & K. Please confirm that the ‘Ks’ are up to 10, or do you want More?

Read More

Akpors and the Aboki

Akpors was hungry and went to ‘mai shayi’ (men selling tea and bread).
The following dialogue transpired between them:
Akpors: You get loaf of bread? Aboki: yes
Akpors: bring one; slice am into two and put two sachet of butter in between
Aboki: (happy and thanking God for bringing customer, is quickly doing as he is instructed). Akpors: You get egg?
Aboki: yes customer
Akpors: fry 6 eggs put am inside the bread. Aboki: Okay customer
Akpors: You get sardine? Aboki: yes customer everything dey.
Akpors: put two sardine inside the bread.
Aboki: Okay customer (happy and doing as he is told, already enthusiastic he’ll make a lot of money)
Akpors: you don finish? Oya press the bread together for me.
Aboki: See am customer, i don prepare am finish.
Akpors: OYA CUT N10 Naira OWN FOR ME!

If you were the guy what would you do to Akpors?

Read More

Akpors and his 3 wishes

Akpors was strolling by a river bank. Suddenly, the river goddess came out from the middle of the river: Goddess: You are in luck today wanderer. I will give you the chance to wish for three things and they shall all come to pass. Akpors who was apparently scared upon seeing the goddess, became very delighted and immediately made his first wish;

Akpors: I need a Jeep! (puff! The Jeep appeared)

Goddess: Two more wishes.

Akpors: (visibly elated) I need a big “Ghana must go bag” full of money. (Puff! A large bag filled with money appeared)

Goddess: Now, your last wish.

Akpors: (salivating at the thought of his last request) Make me very irresistible to women!

(Puff! The Goddess suddenly turns Akpors into a BRAZILIAN HAIR!)

Read More

Akpors the fool

Akpors was having an argument with his Wife when out of annoyance she called him a fool.

Akpors got angry and said, “I cannot be called a fool by a woman, no matter who she is, not even my wife. She must therefore leave my house!”
Neighbors intervened and the matter was resolved. But the Wife still nursed anger.

Later that night, it rained heavily. It was so cold that Akpors wanted to perform his manly duty. Sneaking his hands to touch his Wife’s laps in the dark, the Wife knowing fully well that this was the best time to get back at Akpors for his quarrel during the day shouted, “WHO IS THAT FOOL?!”

Akpors replied, “It is me!”

Read More

Akpors’ 3 missed calls

Akpors and Ekaitte got tired of spending money on phone network providers and decided to come up with a different means of communication.

Akpors: This gsm people dey chop our money too much oh.
Ekaitte: Yes the stealing is too much
Akpors: I got an idea, instead of using phone, why don’t we use a pigeon in sending messages like the old time, just tie your
message to it’s leg if you want to reply
Ekaitte: I like what is in your head.
After an hour of waiting, Ekaitte saw the pigeon in the window, she checked it’s leg’s but nothing there, she sent it back, just a few minutes it comes back, she quickly grabs it but to her dissapointment no message again, she sent it back.
After some few minutes, she opened the window for the pigeon to come in, she checked it’s legs but still no message.
With too much anger, she headed to Akpors house and shouted “Akpors come here, you idiot, you said you will send message through this pigeon but why it has come to me three times without a message.
Akpors: Hahaha, Ekaitte, you don’t understand, that one is 3 missed calls na not message.

Read More